Truth & Beauty Bombs

im wandering around in the fucking rain with nothing but vans and a thin sweater and you guys want me to fucking run your errands for you well im SORRY that i was at my JOB making MONEY to afford my TUITION because my parents dont have any fucking money to give me and i couldnt bring you the fucking BAGS.
why the fuck do paulina and i have to take care of everybody?
why the fuck are they all so lazy? i swear to god at times like these i see emily just sitting there on the couch mouth open staring at the computer screen likea fucking radioactive waste of flesh. she doesnt do anything productive for society at all, i dont GET time to be lazy and just lay around, and when i DO, you want me to do SHIT for YOU.
well FUCK OFF.
im isolating myself upstairs because i know if i go down there ill blow up at EVERYONE, including Paulina which i dont want to do, but i just feel so fucked over right now and nobody even gives a shit or considers how much i have to do already.
but seriously guys. im fucking walking around in the rain for half an hour and you cant put on your raincoats and rainboots and not even get a single drop of water on you as you walk TEN feet to the landlady's apt?!
jesus motherfucking christ i need to control my fucking temper but right now i just want to leave and i CANT because its too motherfucking rainy and i dont have anything to wear in the rain because i grew up in the fucking DESERT.
dontblowuppaigedontyellatthemjustdontdoit.
motherfuckballsgoddamn.
ALSO i saw a guy who i thought was JOHN on the way home so i waved at him all enthusiastically but he just stared at me funny and then i realized afterwords that john's hair hadnt been that short since last year and that was just some random fuck. i feel like a total dumbass.
also i really want to eat but i dont wanna hang out with lazyasses downstairs. fuckmotherfuck.
p.s.

I just got home from my Spanish final and I feel like every answer I put down could have reflected something about the rain.

Por ejemplo:
Write a sentence using the imperfect and preterite tenses combined:
Cuando teminé el examen, llovía como un "motherfucker."
Yo caminé a casa después del examen, mientras llovía como un "motherfucker."

Write a sentence using the "se" accidental tense to describe an accident that happened to you.
Cuando llovía como un "motherfucker," mis zapatos se mojaron.

Use a reflexive verb.
Me parece que está lloviendo como un "motherfucker."
No me vestí correctamente para la lluvia del diablo.

Use the words haber, ser, tener, and estar to describe something.
Hay un río en la calle.
Hay mucho agua en mis zapatos.
El río es muy sucio.
El mundo está orinando (urinating) a mí.
No tengo respeto para la lluvia del diablo.
La lluvía es muy frio.
Estoy muy triste, cansada, y frio.



Me molesta la lluvia mucho,
no me gusta todavía.
Quiero regresar al desierto.
p.s.

god last night was so beautiful i cant even

we began the night at giulia's "German party" which was really just us at this guy's NICE-ASS house in Goleta. Ok wait, scratch that, we began the night at Chilli's. we had sort of a housemate-bonding dinner (with michelle lol) and waited like half an hour to get seated then ordered large-ass cheeseburgers and feasted. it was much-needed. then we came home and nice-ass-house-guy (who's name, i believe, is Bryan or Brian) and went to his house where people from giulia's german class were supposed to be coming over. One girl came in the midst of us watching youtube videos (ON HIS FUCKIN TV for fuck's sake mothatfucka has internets/youtube on his bigscreen over his bigass fireplace the rich mothafucka) and we watched her amazing human kaleidoscope videos she did at Idyllwild art school camp (so jealous that she went there oh my god). i drank several glasses of Jager+ mountain dew (fabulous combination) and eventually we got a ride home with idyllwild-arts-girl (I think her name may have been Claire?) and got home about 12:30. So then we decide its time to go out and party more. Paulina and I leave with the intentions of meeting up with Jason (Holley... after texting Jason K multiple times this weekend and never getting a response I will just assume that I have milked all the fun out of him for this quarter/year/lifetime) and Paulina's friends from her Film studies stuff. Met them on the corner of DP, hung out on the beach for a while, then went to Jason's friend's house on DP. Met jason's cute out-of-town friend named Sam.
We hung out at other guy's house for several hours, trying to get Jason and Sam to make out, drinking beer, chatting with dudes, I tried to solve a Rubik's Cube to no avail, and then yelled at anyone who tried to help me, lol.
At around 4 am this guy Lindsay showed up, who despite his feminine name is quite large and imposing, but really he's just a big teddy bear of a guy who offered to make us biscuits and tea at his house. We had already decided at the point that we were gonna stay up til the sunrise, so Paulina, Jason, Sam, one of Jason's other friends and I followed Lindsay back to his house where he made us the best fucking biscuits i have ever eaten in my entire existence. At Lindsay's we chatted, sang Backstreet Boys songs, some of us dozed a little, and finally at 630 we headed to the beach. In the minutes between the sky lightening and the sun actually rising, the beach is amazing. It looks like a pastel painting, colored in fabulous shades of blue like slate, as well as gold and pink.
Finally the sun came up, as Lindsay sang the mothafuckin Circle of Life. His timing is impeccable, it began to rise RIGHT as he got to the chorus.
after this we parted ways, Paulina and I went home and slept for about 4 hours, then I woke up and took a shower at Shain & kevin's because out mothafuckin DRAIN doesnt work. such balls.
oh and Friday was also notable because Paulina and I went to some party with Giulia and her international friends and spent an hour convincing this guy that we were born in Antarctica. And watching dumbass dudes smash beer cans against their heads.
but i really am sad about the jason k thing. he was so entertaining and i loved all of his friends... and now i must consider this bridge burnt. I guess cause I didnt put out? whatev. Marco still wants to be friends with me, which is all that really matters, verdad?
time is so strange. I feel like the German party, being at Jason's friend's house, and being at Lindsay's house were on three separate nights. such a long night but one well worth spending awake.
ayayyy need to make myself food and study for my fat-nasty spanish final.
p.s.

Dead week dead week dead week. Hence why I haven't updated in forevs because I had to work on my fat-nasty memoirs portfolio all week; as well as readings and shiyett. Thanksgiving break was lovely, we played hours upon hours of Apples to Apples, as well as beer pong at my Black friday party. Every time I'm home I feel so much younger, like I can be immature and not have to worry about being responsible. I can be as offensive as I want, take off and go out to eat and spend money. it's nice. Also today i got mad at emdawg but its whatever <- jason wrote that. were in the ucen, "studying." but it is true- she forgot to lock the doors and i flipped a bitch and sent her an angry message because you cant do that shit in IV, shit gets stolen here. she's just so inconsiderate and gross and never does any of her dishes/chores.
bleghh ive edited so many of my life's stories this week that writing about myself seems tedious now. I go home in like 10 days, bennett might pick me up and that would be more fun than a barrel of geminis.
I wish I had exciting hookup tales to relay but I have not kissed anyone since jason the last time before I was infected with strep throat. I was worried I infected him and texted him, to which he replied that he was fine but his dog had died and that he had just gotten done sobbing. what a fuckin softie. this all happened pre-thanksgiving break btw. I WANNA MAKE OUT WITH SOMEONEEE. its been far too long.
completely unrelated i swear but I fb-chatted with MARCO for like an hour last night. he's so adorbs. he's funny because he's so serious about everything and so sensitive.
now were all sitting around talking about EAP. there's like a thousand places I want to go- England, Costa Rica, Argentina, Egypt... I'm on an Egypt kick currently. But I cant go cause its a year-long program and I really also wanna go to a latinamerican country my senior year. I'm really leaning towards Costa Rica. it would be lovely.
Jason is reading this as I type. that nasty dickhole. i just blinked, are you happy now?
in all seriousness, he's leaving me for the rest of the year to go to mothafuckin Africa. I really dont know what I'm going to do without him to vent to/cry on/escape with to movies and to go out and eat.
all i listen to lately is lady gaga. shameful really. sometimes the New Moon soundtrack. I like to listen to it while I fall asleep and fancy myself running through forests.
OH and then sunday when i came home (sorry this is nonchronological i only type things as i remember them) I decided to just pull an all-nighter Saturday night and do my Chaucer paper so I wouldn't have to worry too much about it once I got back. Also, I had to leave my house at 4 am to catch my train at 5 am, and I figured it was better to not sleep than to get too little. The result was very fruitful and I just had to edit on the train home. However, at about 3:30 I decided to take a catnap, but my mom came in moaning about how she was dying of abdominal pain. I told her she should have Gram just take me but no, she wanted to come with and see me home so she ended up throwing up in the car all over herself on the 10, then shivering with a fever. ended up being food poisoning, not a virus, which is wonderful because she looked awful and I sure as hell didn't want that. Seriously, I've never seen my mother look so weak and helpless. I hated it. She's not supposed to look that way to me, she's my mom. But a few days later we were talking on the phone and everything was fine, she was back to her quirky self, joking about the whole thing. Thank whatever benevolent higher power is out there; I thought for a while she was gonna die from that. I also just felt guilty cause there was nothing I could do for her and yet I felt like I should... but on to more cheerful things.
Like impending break and the fact that I get to see my BFF.
Jason is studying for his sex class test and its ruthlessly entertaining because he talks to himself and makes grand hand gestures whilst doing so.
I want subway. Should I get subway? such fatassery. But i waaant it. It's so close. hmmhmhmhmmhmhmmm.
i think i shall. today is like the first day in two weeks where I havent either been a) dying of strep throat or b) having to do a million different assignments. and though i do have a final on monday its only spanish which is NP.
I'm convinced Political Science majors talk differently than other people. jason, connor, etc. they all have this style of speaking where they really emphasize certain words, always go off on monologues, etc. whereas lit majors tend to be surprisingly inarticulate. i being one of them. i suck at out-loud speaking. writing too i guess. this memoirs class has sent me on somewhat of a roller-coaster of confidence about writing, and write now im on one of my downpoints, just because my last story that I was really excited about shirley didnt like because apparently my dialogue is sloppy and fails at being colloquial. oh well. after my summer at cambridge which hopefully happens i should be pro at writing. I'm planning on taking two c.w. classes there- Short Story Writing and Novel Writing. I've had an idea for a teen novel forevs and really want to finally write it. and i want to dick around and pubcrawl in england. but mostly right now i really want subway.

p.s.

and my friends already have invited themselves over.

we spent the day watching pan's labyrinth and attempting to jumpstart my car.

ohhhh so good to be home.


ALSO:

saw New Moon last night;
i'm SO on team jacob now,

i need a hot muscled native american in my life,

like nowsies.

any minute now.

p.s.

has been residing in my throat/lymph nodes for the past week, rendering me incapable of updating.
ill start from last saturday:
-all my housemates still gone. no real plans.
-invite trevor over. we start drinking. he tells me about this hot bi friend of his (who's in a sorority?!) who he's partying with, asks if shes can come over and drink with us. me: hell yeaa, obvs.
-admit to him my long-running crush on MY; he claims he can hook it up. scoreee.
-cute sorority girl comes over. she really is cute. we speak briefly then they leave for their party, but i sense this is not the end of things. trevor texted me shortly after; she wants my dick. add her to the list, fuck.
-gabby texts me; none other than AH is at LoPo for the LAN party. she no longer goes here. why shes here is beyond me, but i grab shain and we head over there. i come up with this epic plan that we just happened to be walking by LoPo and decide to peek in-and- oh wow i didnt know you were visiting?! kinda thing. totally works. we hug and chat about recent occurrences. she's still really fuckin hot. and skinny. and adorably nerdy. i wish we could make out. she's awesome. but i've already written enough LJ entries about how I'm obsessed with her, so i'll spare the details. anyway it got awkward because all the nerdy guys absolutely swarmed her so shain and i continued on our way.
-picked up gabby and went to tony's, who was having this little wine party.
-made friends with people on the street whilst smoking on the balcony, they came up and invited us to their block party the next weekend, but fuck like we could remember any of their names/where they told us they lived? lol it was still cute.
-decided around 1 or 2ish to go back home and have people over; 2 guys i had not previously known followed me home as well as zach and his friend kevin. we sit around my house and drink and play Never-have-i-ever. one of the stranger dudes has never been kissed. we tease him relentlessly.
-jason k, marco, some other dude and 2 chicks come over. we play more never-have-i-ever, and then we begin playing jenga. jason and i commence cuddling. however, we quickly run out of booze and one of jason's friends suggests we change it to strip-jenga. (everytime it says take a shot we instead remove an article of clothing lol) im far too sober for this but agree. all of the girls begin with their shoes; jewelry, etc. jason and the other guys, of course, remove their shirts before anything else. lol. we all end up in our underwear. also i receive an epic lap dance from marco. i think my life is now complete.
-everyone collectively decides to leave except for jason (obvs) and, in a move of tactlessness, zach. lol. here's jason and obvs-cuddling on the couch and zach's like "oh, should i leave?" and i reply "zach im not your mother" and hes like "ok ill stay" so we sit around and chat awkwardly about how zach sucked his cousin's dick, etc.
-emily, guilia, and giulia's italian friend and his gofo come home from LA around 4:30 am. they all wanna sleep and i say "that's ok, we can just go upstairs to my room." so jason and i make to go upstairs, and zach moves to follow us, but jason just turns to him and says "goodnight zach, we'll see you later!" I LOL'D. srsly.
-so jason and i lock ourselves in my room and play makie-outers til 5 am, in between hilarious conversations about demons and bands and exes and everything. he is seriously the most entertaining hook-up ive ever had. he left at like 530, then i slept for like 6 hours.
SUNDAY was when i started kinda feeling gross, but i figured i was just coming down with another sinus thing, cause i just had a runny nose/ sinus pain, etc. and disregarded it.
monday tuesday were boring as fuck, then WEDNESDAY i woke up feeling better, went to class, then realized, much to my horror, i was starting to get a sore throat, and later, body aches. i complain about feeling feverish at work and they send me home early, i go home early and get on the computer where i proceed to get hit on via fb-chat by TOMMY, who's this italian guy we met at a party spring quarter last year.
it went something like this:
him: you should come to this party this weekend blahblah
me: well if i feel better i will but im kinda sick now. also my friend's visiting
him: oh well as long as you and your friend arent all boyfriend-girlfriend in the corner he can come
me: haha he's not my bf; hes really fun though
him: but you do have a bf, yeah?
me: no, i havent had a bf since last year...
him: oh really?! if id've known that i would have started hitting on you a long time ago.
me: ...haha?
him: now im really hoping you'll be at the party friday!
i ran downstairs and relayed all of this to giulia, who was like "he's one of those italian player-types." to which i replied, "so... should i hook up with him?" she replied, immediately- "yes."
god my life is so lulz why does illness fuck it up?!
so i go to bed and am hit with the fever full-force sometime in this sleep, and have strange dreams about the sandman, ryan writing a book and stealing my sheets, and people being in my room. wake up and realize i am way too sick to go anywhere, so i email my teachers and prepare to stick out my disease in bed all day so i can hopefully be well enough for the new moon premiere that night. however, my sore throat worsens so that i can hardly swallow, and my fever never goes away no matter how many advil i pop. im forced to stay home throughout new moon. very depressing. especially because i slept so restlessly; waking up and being unable to swallow, seriously most painful thing ever. it hurt from my throat up to my ear and made my eyes water.
on friday i decided (well my mom nagged me) and i went to student health. i took a strep throat test (which came back NEGATIVE) so the advice nurse, baffled, sent me to the doctor. I had to wait a thousand years then finally saw her; she examined me and was like "yeah this is deff strep throat, that test is wrong a lot) and sent me off with a prescription for penicillin and codeine for the throat pain.
needless to say instead of drinking this weekend i watched movies and hit the purple drank every night. which is fantastic, i recommend it to all. the best and strangest day-dreams while listening to classical music in bed. and oh so many movies. i watched Some Like it Hot (again), couple episodes of Big Love (oh how i love mormon programs), Wristcutters (seriously one of my favorites now omg omg so fucking awesome), and then last night Michelle came over and we watched some indie-ass movie called Mozart and the Whale, which is about this dude and chick who have Asperger's Syndrome and they awkwardly fall in love. its adorable but like i said, painfully awkward.
then today we all woke up and went to Sweet Alley (a frozen yogurt place) for breakfast; paulina and i attempted to go to inglorious basterds at IV theatre but there was a church there and we were like well fuck this noise and ive been doing far too much homework ever since.
-stephen comes up tomorrow?!
-i go home in less than 3 days for thanksgiving
-but like 8 more days of penicillin
-mothafuckin streptococcus.
p.s.

"And I'm telling you now,
Today I am remembering the time
When they pulled me back
And held me down
And looked me in the eyes and said
You just haven't earned it yet, baby"
whenever i'm feeling melancholy/lonely/impatient for someone to come in and change my life, i listen to this song and listen to morrissey comfort me with his infinite wisdom. i just havent earned it yet, obvs. "you must suffer and cry for a longer time." sigh. SO. the weekend thus far. i have the house entirely to myself. giulia and emily went to LA and paulina decided very impromptu-ly to go home. i couldnt just bone out too cause my dad came up yesterday to hang, so ive been just keeping the company of morrissey and the rest.
so my dad gets here, we dick around, we go to super cucas for lunch, go to his hotel room to check in, then dick around some more, then go to the palace for dinner. everything's all well and good then on the way home he mentioned something about the house on villa, and i was like "i don't remember the house on villa." my first memories are from texas. he: "do you remember me telling you why your mom and i got a divorce?"
me: "uhhh... no?"
"your mom had an affair."
"uhhh... jesse?"
"yeah. and that guy had gone to jail before. for child abuse."
"oh."
"yeah. so i tried to get custody of your guys but since i couldnt, they made it so she had to break up with him."
"uhhh"
"but i got her to sign a legal agreement saying she wouldnt move out of the coachella valley with you guys."
"oh."
then there was some awkward silence, me trying to tell dad that i wasnt going to take his side just cause she cheated on him- "she's my MOM what do you want me to say??"
i dont know. why the fuck does he have to drag me into his bitter world where she's the villain? and then he also piled on these questions like "why dont you like terri? why dont you like nuggs? why couldnt we have just been one happy family without mom?" and i had to explain to him that
1) terri didn't like us because we didnt really like/ couldnt relate to nuggs and she wanted Katy and I to have to same relationship with nuggs that we had with each other. however, katy and i were close in a way that could never really be replicated, and especially because of the age difference between us and nuggs we didnt want anything to do with him. 2) katy and i kind of felt like outcasts in their new little family, since we were the kids from the other marriage, and since both our parents had moved in, we really only had each other.
3) we were like 7 and 10 years old and we would overhear her talking SHIT about us on the phone to her friends! about how lazy and spoiled we were, etc. obvs were never gonna be like bffs.
4) i had no respect for her because she was so lazy and never worked, and then would bitch at us to try to get us to wash our dishes and laundry, etc. well, then i would go home and see MY mom, who always had a job and worked long hours, and then would come home and take care of katy and i, never making us do any of our own dishes or anything ("youll have to do plenty of chores in college," she always said, "you should enjoy being kids') well of course im not going to have respect for terri after that, she just always came off to me as a lazy bitch who wanted to sit around on the couch all day and pawn off her chores on the kids, when in reality she was a HOUSEWIFE and was supposed to be doing all these things, OR if she didnt want to she should have gotten a JOB. so. obvs.
it was the weirdest fucking conversation of all time. and it all happened while we were sitting in his car in front on my apartment. and it took way too long. ughhh even though im 19 i still feel like im too young to know these things. i would've been better off not knowing these things.
anyway, after he left i went to kris' birthday party next door, and proceeded to get crunk. i handle things really well, obviously. i won several rounds of beer pong. danced for a while, then for reasons unknown ended up chatting with bella. i feel like we always just get inexplicably drawn to each other, despite the fact that i try to avoid her and not talk to her. i didnt approach her, she didnt approach me, we were just drawn together and then all of a sudden we were listening to the smiths and sarah brightman's "i lost my heart to a starship trooper" (which she loved, points for paige). Sometime after this I began to get into my melancholy/brooding-drunk stage, and retreated to the top of the stairs to watch the party from the dark. she came and joined me, crawling up the stairs on nimble feet (stuck in 4-inch heels) and sat beside me, saying "do you want to be alone?" I shook my head and spilled all my angst on the table for her. she listened to everything i said, never saying "come on lets go back to the party" or "ill hear about this another time." she just listened. spoke a little, gave my advice. eventually we descended, and i was sitting on the couch talking to shain when i overheard fuckin kevin and lexi talking about the bella-and-i thing, RIGHT THERE WHILE I WAS TEN FEET AWAY. i was so pissed but i said nothing, only bitched about to shain. but seriously. it made me feel so dumb that i had talked to her for so long. cause i heard kevin saying shit like "paige misunderstood, didnt get it..." arg.
as shain and i were talking kevin suddenly became antagonistic towards shain. he out of nowhere just yelled at him- "SHAIN YOUVE FUCKED UP THIS WHOLE PARTY YOURE SUCH A FUCKIN SOCIOPATH WHY DO YOU HAVE TO HIT ON EVERYONE" and shain was like "SHUT THE FUCK UP KEVIN" and kevin was like "YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP I DONT SPEAK WITH PSYCHOPATHS" and this went on for far too long and i took my leave then, grabbing my jacket and sneaking out the door. wayyy too intense for me. after i got home i called paulina and relayed my night to her, went to bed at like 330, woke up at 1030 to go to brunch with my dad (delicious cajun scrambled eggs o my lawd) and then came home. i really need to shower and read much ado about nothing.
probably the most ridiculous thing about all of this is that i woke up before noon today. i mean, srsly.
p.s.

 oh my lorddd, chris-from-ccs (not to be confused with big-jaw or kris-next-door both of whom are in ccs; chris-from-ccs is the guy that works at the desk in the front office) is SOOO CUTE/SWEET/ENDEARING etc. his girlfriend is srsly the luckiest girl EVAR. I went in there today to hand him my winter checkslip and we ended up chatting for like 20 minutes. hes absolutely the most friendly person, but with him you can tell its genuine and not like oh-im-so-fake-friendly-to-everyboday. oh man. he's kind of like my foil. he really makes me feel my bitchiness and crassness, and im sure i just exemplify his kindness even more. i told him about my halloween and my harley quinn costume and he was so excited that i knew who harley quinn was in the first place and he was like "i bet that was a sexy costume, all skintight and all!" it sent my heart aflutter. then he helped me put more paper in the copy machine. what a guy. 
also, i read my jesus-kayson story for my memoir class, and since a couple of the people in the class actually know who he is, the feedback was quite entertaining. i actually participated in class today, thats how productive/good i felt. more days should follow this pattern, verdad.
also, tomorrow's a holiday and i dont have to go to class. good plan, uc system, good plan. except i still have to work which is ballssss but, i gotta get money get paid.
but the best part?! Absolute Sandman 1 came in the mail! shit comes fast; i ordered it at like 3 am sunday morning. 
oh the US postal service always puts a smile on my face.
p.s.

 i love how in iv when you set out for your night you never know what will happen. it's really an adventure living in this strange and dirty place. you start out towards a party and at the end of the night you're somewhere entirely different. its like a visionary journey through the dankest part of the solar system, filled with strange characters you may never see again. 
like on friday, Giulia, Paulina, jason #1, and I went to the international party. we drank a ton of jungle juice and ogled swedish and italian hawties. also danced a fuckton. then jason k got there with his awesome friend marco (who was born in tijuana and models for romance novel covers and was drunk when he was 9 months old) almost jumped in the pool. i ended up leaving by myself simply cause i felt so claustrophobic and i went and met kayson at some house next door to my apt. complex that i had never known about it  (seriously this shit doesnt have an address; its located in the empty lot between abrego and sueno). anyway its kinda one of those hippie-punk houses like biko, but way cooler than biko cause one of the guys that lived there had a big-ass boa constrictor named Jungle Love that was totes my bff because she crawled all over me, all ten feet of her. i fuckin love snakes. Artemis was there too, the boa constrictor i hung out with at christ-from-chris'-house's house last year. The cops came and i was stranded outside with snake guy but they didn't do anything. eventually kayson and i left and meet jason at my house; then we all strolled merrily arm-in-arm to kayson's. eventually paulina and giulia also came and we all had pizza, chatted and loled and jason looked really awkward because he and kayson don't really get along that well (but they do for me, obvs).  I also apparently told him that I wanted to make out with his twin brother, Bryan. oops. i am so dumb. eventually we went home and slept and then i woke up and cleaned the house/did laundry all day saturday. Saturday night we went out to connor's and had margaritas, then we went down the street to where kayson & bryan's band (aka Untapped Fury) was playing. they were sososo entertaining, even though it wasn't really something id usually be into. we also ran into jesse, baked out of his brains and chris-from-chris'-house (who will henceforth be known as big-jaw chris for me wanting to type less and this latter description more accurately describing his status in my life this year.) tried to find booze but to no avail. emily & giulia performed some quite entertaining dance moves and even got on stage for a while. after the show i said hi to kayson and went back to connor's, where while we had gone they had begun an epic 80s dance party. after some more wine and rum shots, we danced our asses of to tears for fears and the like. hen we decided we should have another 80s party- and informed connor that he was invited, though it would be at his house. we are so cute, etc.
went back home and everyone else decided to go to bed, but jesse and i went to kayson's house and watched them hotbox their practice space and get baked out of their brains. so entertaining. the bassist knocking on the door yelling "COPS ARE HERE", cutesie Bryan and his sour-patch kids, kayson freaking out and then playing king of the hill on his guitar. after a while i grew weary of the shenanigans occurring (not to mention d-walsh was there, lol) so i went home and slept. the next day i borrowed paulina's car and braved the hell-hole of albertson's to get groceries. sucked bawlzzzz.
OH also saturday was bella's birthday party. i was not invited. why?? because it was at tyler's house. fml. i feel so offended. as if she thinks i cant be mature enough to hang out around him. whatev. im sick of her being such a bitch towards me, and then putting on a happy face when she's actually around me. what the fuck, i dont deserve to be treated like this. at least kayson treats me like a person. oh, kayson. i dont want him and yet  i do. at least, i want him to want me. and he's been playing rather hard-to-get lately. and its making me want himmm. oh why the fuck do i enjoy playing these games so much. its like tug-of-war. ohhh mannn. i should stop myself before i get too into this. also im sure the second he does start making moves on me again, ill freak out and push him back away. ooo life. why do we always want what we cant have?? why is he so much damn fun?! im crawling into the snake pit here. but then again, i do love snakes. 
i anticipate the rest of my week wont be as thrilling until rocky horror friday night. also my dad's coming to visit so that will be funsies, plus he'll probs take me to dinner/ give me money.
mrs. lovett is fixed, i cant wait to go home and drive around and hang out. with my wang out. go to del taco and chipotle all the timeeee. 
this last week was quite good. i had less homework now that my spanish test/essay and my comedy essay are all done. i anticipate this week will be even betta, cause i dont have class on wednesday, just a little bit of reading, etc etc etc. oh man.  it probably doesnt help that on thursday emily msged kayson on fb and told him i was DTBF and that he should come over bc i was naked on my bed. of course he got all excited and no matter how ridic emily made it sound (my butthole is so moist, etc etc) he sounded like he entirely believed it. then finally he called me like "should i come over?" and i was like "if you wanna hang... that was totes my roommate though lol" and he was like "oh yeah it was a joke i totally knew that dude i so called it" and i was like oh honey you so didnt you want buttsex like the day is longggg. not my goodiesss. after that jason holley and i went to silvergreens at like 12:30 and the bitch must have thought we were like super baked cause i just strolled up to the counter and was like "DO YOU HAVE COOKIES" and she was like "we have these theyre only 29 cents each because-" "I WANT 4 OF THEM" "ok..." and then jason took the rest so we spent like 2 dollars on like 10 cookies. awesome. and as we left and the lady handed us our receipt she was like "oh and there's a coupon on there for-" "MORE COOKIES?!" jason asked. "no its for breakfast." "oh ok." then we came back and feasted. in addition jason and i have been to chile's & jack in the box this week. we spend entirely too much time at fast food/ restaurants we dont have enough money for. but i love it. its nice to go sit in a restaurant/ fast food place with someone. one of the simple pleasures in life, true life. 
i feel like things are going right, despite being heartbroken n homesick n shit. also i finally ordered absolute sandman #1, which i've wanted for so long but used being drunk this weekend as an excuse to finally buy it. cant waitttt. 
p.s.

was awfully crazy i wish we taped it.
-asher roth

last night was day one of halloween. We threw a fat-ass zombie party, which was quite the success if i do say so myself. this is what went downnn:

-we made sangria, got all dressed up (i was a man-eating zombie-tiger) and started drinking. i swear to god i got trashed within like half an hour of me starting to drink. i was drinking sangria whilst getting ready/putting on makeup/ etc. then i took 3 half-shots (one with bella who didnt even need a chaser lol, it was totally awesome and made me even sadder that she doesnt want my dick, one with paulina and one with emily) then i kept on drinking sangria until i was just trashy mc trashed trashed. lol, it definitely did not take long.
-who went: berkeley (huge lolz), jason (as j-man), his ladyfriend from out of town (whose totally cool), ann wang & lucy, a fuckbunch of random people i didnt know, jason k (as beetlejuice lol) and his twin brother, chris from chris' house, some more douchebags i didnt know who ate my doughnuts, all the boys from next door, bella & kait, vlad & annie, steven, zach, some mothafucka dressed up as tigger who i had a dance-off with, and some of emilys friends from out of town
-we danced around to the "pika pika rumbaa" song for a long-ass time
-gabby and i went outside to smoke with some creepy asian (easy baked as fuck oven) dude who kept hitting on me and while we were there a security guard came by and threatened to break up the party. once i saw the security guy i kinda freaked out and gabby and i decided to go for a walk around the block until they left. so we did, and we came back and bella was gone (but kait came back for some reason i was like wtf?!) and informed that she didnt think i was a bitch. really cool i suppose.
-i talked with kevin for an ass-long time about how everyone thought i was an asshole because i couldnt keep my mouth shout and bella hated me, etc etc. and kevin was like "no no she doesnt think youre an asshole just give her some time blabhblah you might be able to win her back." but idk. i grow weary of this chase despite how much i want her. its too easy to fuck up. if she wants me and comes after me, i will gladly accept with open arms. but until then i cant be pursuing her when the whole situation is so wishy-washy. but nobody can deny the fact that she kept stealing glances towards me all night (without really talking to me...curious). such a strange girl. an enigma. she tortures me.
-then i went outside and somehow ended up talking with jason k about how he wants my dick. i was taller than him in my 4-inch heels, which was really cute to me, lol. anyway i just straight-up old him like "yeah im not DTF like you think, im a total tease and youre not gonna get what you want from me." he was like "oh no all i want is to get to know you better and hang out with you more, etc etc." it was so sweet. that mothafucka i swear. biggest softie ever. but he's all talk, trying to make himself out to be this bad ass guy. lol. he's adorable. after we chatted outside jason k took off for a while, promising he would return. security guard thought we were in a fight or something and told us to take it inside, lol, so great. 
-went back in and upstairs and walked in on some girl adjusting her skirt and Tigger zipping up his pants. i didnt say anything. i merely sat down and waited for them to leave. after they left was when i saw the blood on the sheets, and get this- ON THE WALL. and then on top of that i went back downstairs and found out that some mothafuckas had been eating my donuts. i swear to shit i could not write this.
-at this point i left because i was so angry, walked around the block by myself, had a few cigarettes, came back. saw that only emily and chris were here, left again, walked around and called jason k. he kindly came and rescued me from being all alone in the park and we walked back to his house together. we hung out for a long-ass time with his brother, then paulina came and paulina and i went home together. fell asleep at like 4 in the morning.

and holy shitballs now its saturday and HAVE I GOT ANOTHER STORY FOR YOU
First we went to Chipotle around 6 pm. we took the bus down there, waited in line for several minutes but we got FREE CHIPOTLE and life is sweet. we came back (after waiting for the bus for like an hour then having to push people aside to get back to IV) and we got ready to go. so im puttin on my Harley Quinn makeup and shit and we ended up not leaving til like 11, but i pregamed a bunch here (as in i took like 4 and a half shots total) and we headed towards DP to check out the madness. Jason (as Jesus Christ) and I walked around arms around each other the whole time. mostly cause it was hard to stand up with my crazy hooker boots on. we ended up at connor's house after wandering through the DP mess for a while, then I left again (with just Jesus this time) and paulina and michelle and everybody else went home. so jesus and i walk back along DP on our way to another party and we get on the subject of making out. he tells me about this girl he's made out with who was like a black hole or whatever and i wasnt paying attention and all of a sudden he's like "yeah i think this is how it should be done" and we just stop walking in the middle of the street and he kisses me. in the middle of DP Halloween night, with swarms of slutty bumblebees and policemen around us. i made out with jesus christ. on halloween night. I officially have the strangest life of all time.
anyway so went to a few more parties and none of them were very good (i.e. we were told one of them was going to be a rave and it wasnt) and then we eventually decided to go back to my house. we traded shoes and it was the most hilarious thing ive ever seen, watching jesus walk around in 4 inch heels while Harley Quinn wore his converse. ahh simple pleasures. we made it back to my house and decided to watch Let the Right One In (whilst giulia was passed out on the couch, dick move i know). he was being super cuddly, stroking my tights and shit and burying his face in my pigtails, kissing my cheek/neck/shoulder etc. i could tell he wanted to make out but i tried my best to ignore him despite the ubercuddles happening. we held hands for a while, etc. the entire time all i could think about was
1) wtf im cuddling with jesus christ
2) wtf im cuddling with JASON, who thinks hes a rock star and has longer hair than i do and teaches little kids how to play guitar for a job, 
3) why the fuck is he so cuddly? 

eventually the movie ended and we made out for a while longer (giulia is still sleeping on the couch, sexiled from her room already once, I KNOW IM SUCH A DICK) and im like "jason im tired ill see you later" and he keeps making out with me (i guess it is kinda one of his fantasies fulfilled, i WAS harley quinn lol) and then eventually he reached for my boob and i was like "GO HOME JASON."
so he did, but not before we made out again at the door, woke up giulia, and he stumbled home.

i woke up at 1 pm today. his crown of thorns is still in my living room. this had the potential to be the best/worst one night stand of all time. my life is so strange wtffff.

ughh. this is so weird and confusing. i dont know if i like him as much as he (obvs) likes me. i told him he wasnt gonna get my dick, im not DTF and wont be, and he seems to not care. he told me like "all i wanted to do was to kiss you and i got that blah blah" and i was like oh honey you are so sweet and so funny buuuuut I DUNNO. he isnt that great at kissing. nobody could be as good as bella. plus he has some crazy beard. fuck. i dunno. he is so very entertaining. and i think its so endearing how cuddly and how he's not-as-badass-as-he-looks. but still. i think im still pining over bella and i dont even know if i like boys anymore and this ones definitely not the best one for me. hes on all kindsa anti-depressants and shit, ocd, psychiatric therapy for years and years. but then again, 
Harley Quinn IS a psychiatrist. 
p.s.

take only what you need from it."
-MGMT "kids"

i wish i could control myself, mgmt!

Fuck this noise. all this noise.

Yesterday was FINE, great even. i thought she was flirting with me. i know i was wrong i knew this could never be. just cause i always open my great huge mouth.

so i guess i was talkin too loud in chaucer about how i texted tyler, etc, and she found me after lit symp. she was upset with me, apparently. and then sprung on me that she "just wants to be friends."

wtffff? call me egotistical but im 96.5% sure she had feelings for me YESTERDAY, when she seemed all superflirt and was like "oh no i dont care that you texted him blahblah etc etc i think its funny/cute" and i was like "yea dude i dont hate him or anything, just friendly competition yaknow?" and we laughed about it, and we talked forever and then this morning like everything exploded. what the shit. 

and i KNEW from the beginning she didnt want a relationship, but why does this mean we have to stop friendly-dating? i just feel like she either 
1) still has feelings for me or is repressing it for some reason, i.e. homework/midterms or shes still not comfortable being lesbigay orrr she is mad at me still and will get over it soon/eventually or is just stressed out and doesnt wanna deal with my being an asshole. 
OR
2) she never had feelings for me. this stings but it might be true: she coulda just been using me as experiment, seeing if she liked girls, whatever. which if this is true im going to be super pissed. its not cool if she fucks with my feelings just to figure out if she likes girls or not. and this little incident was what she decided to end the experiment with ughhh. that or she liked the attention.
i have a sinking feeling its number 2.
but either way feelings for someone dont just change overnight, it has to be one of these two things.

but obviously i need to stop trying to analyze her since she's so inconsistent and what her body language reads is not what she's actually saying. apparently. fuck this. i feel so stupid. im way too honest and open. in a way that gets me in far too much trouble. i wish i could keep secrets, but i can't. i dont have any secrets. i wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak etc etc.

either way i cant be friends with someone i have FEELINGS for.

r-gardner did the SAME BULLSHIT to me, im not going through this twice. and obvs its different and not as intense cause i never actually dated bella but i dated ryan for 2 years, but still: you. cant. ask. someone. to. still. be. friends. with. you. after. these. kinds. of. things. it sucks. dont do this to me. well just hang out like normal, ill think youre flirting with me, then ill wanna kiss you and be too honest about it etc etc etc and then youll probably get pissed off at me again cause ill tell someone about it. whatev. and after our little chat she was just like "cant wait for your party friday!" well wtf. 

also its 2:45 in the morning y he estado estudiando durante tres horas para mi examen de español manaña. spanish is soothing to me. its pretty and it occupies my head. i can FOCUS on spanish, its easy to slip into the space between languages. real life is not so fun. urhhhghh. and all i could think of today was how i wanted to go home to the dirty D and then my mom called and bitched about how she had no money and theyre gonna repo her car and MY car wont start (dead battery or somethin crazy goin on with it) and she wouldnt listen to me when i tried to tell her my tape-to-ipod thing did not use up the battery and UGH. she thinks shes dying all the time and always complains about money and things she has to do and im like DUDE im not there i cant DO anything about it, what am i supposed to do? srsly. so things are even shittier in the desert. and really its just her that makes things shitty here, but you know how i cant stand even ONE PERSON being angry/upset with me. it drives me up the wall. also rejection sucks dick. especially when said person leads your ass on for weeks. fuckin bawlzzz. 

tegan & sara share some of my misery:

"All I dreamed up, all that seemed like luck seems silly to you now.
All I said to you, all I did for you seems so silly to me now."

someone rescue me, i desperately need to escape.
p.s.

updates on my relentlessly awesome and strange life:
-last Tuesday i had the longest date ever with Bella. we were supposed to go see where the wild things are but we decided "fuck it" and got coffee instead. I payed. we wandered around IV and ended up at one of the many little parks on DP on a swing that looked over the ocean. it was fantastically romantic, and we sat here for like 4 hours discussing anything and everything. a little bit of handholding and some makie-outters when we got back. que dulce.
-jason-batman invited me to watch the meteor shower with him on the bluffs that same night. (i met him at the party where jacob almost died; of course im known as harley quinn-girl who works at the library). i politely decline but receive an ego boost in the process. you dont ask someone to the bluffs to watch a meteor shower unless you wanna make out.
-went and saw paranormal activity w/ paulina & jesse & jacob & zach (who invited himself along, i was super pissed. i cant stand zach after the way he reacted to the whole jacob fiasco), and jacob and i clung to each other the whole time and shielded our eyes cause that shit was TERRIFYING
-then we came home and played EPIC apples to apples. boys decided they wanted apple pie so we all got in the car and went there, stopped to pickup batman-jason and ended up at dennys. i decide batman-jason's really cool, he's entertaining and vaguely reminds me of me in male form. he totes wants my dick too. 
-you're probably wondering why we call him batman guy? well hes super obsessed with the joker and he's in this metal band called "Untapped Fury" and wears these crazy mothafuckin pants. also he has longer hair than i do. he sort of looks like he crawled out of the 80s. now i know the real question is: do i want his dick? naww. his standards, as he related to me via FB-chat are: "Hot and DTF". i am only one of these things. hint: its NOT dtf. he's ruthlessly entertaining, sure, but def not boyfriend material. if i get drunk i might make out with him, but es todo. i'd rather continue pursuing bella. she's perfectttt.
-also my neighbor two doors down (who i work with) wants my dick. wtf boys?
-then there was saturday: after jason paulina and i sat and dicked around for a few hours, we decided to have an impromptu get-together. we invited all of our friends, but only males showed up. and were talking like 20 males. including batman-jason, regular jason, chris-from-chris'-house, connor & co., the boys next door, etc etc. so we all drank and even got them to play a few rounds of jenga until they realized they were not down with getting lap-dances and body shots from other dudes, then we went to the neighbor-across-the-fence's party. just strolled in, had some beer, hung out for a few minutes. then we went to batman-jason's house (he conveniently lives like a block away) and he took us and his high-as-fuck roommates to in n out. we listened to beethoven the entire way there. then we came back and walked through a strange field and when we got back to batman-jason's house i drank even more (peppermint schnapps and hot cocoa, amazing!) and watched batman-jason eat noodles w/ hot sauce that looked delicious. 
-wrestled away jesse's phone at one point and texted tyler with "Bella is my woman." jesse had to explain that this was me. I do not remember doing this. Bella had to tell me about it today but wouldnt say what i said in the text, so i found out via jesse. so embarrassed. i should not be allowed phone privileges when im crunk. es una idea muy peor. but she laughed it off, said it was funny. idk what that means. girl is strangeee. but in a great way. and ima keep running, run run run tirelessly until ive caught up to her.
-but weve been texting a lot lately. that means something, right??
-bought my halloween costumes (2)! For our zombie party friday im going to be an undead/man-eating tiger, and for Saturday im gonna be Harley Quinn from batman. akjsdaksj i havent been this excited for halloween since i was Jesse from team rocket. 
-LIFE IS WONDERFUL.
-but i miss my best-good friend Shanna Gregory.
-also, all i want is bangbangbang. not really. pues, un poco. mainly i wanna cuddle. but just with one person. ugh im so distressingly monogamous. what will i do with myself. i am le tired. i should dormir.
-why cant i stop talking in spanglish?!?
-i eat so much nowadays. i just eat and eat and eat all day. especially oreos. and grilled cheese. i can make grilled cheese. isnt that crazy?? i use a stove and nobody dies. 
- i am distressingly low on money. i have like 20 dollars more than what my rent is. and true im getting paid on the first but its only gonna be like 300 dollars. this is unfortunately not enough to live on. arghghghggghhh necesito mas dinero. also i still need to submit my england application but shit is 50 pounds which equals 83 US dollars. my kingdom for some pounds! i could give them 50 pounds of body fat, would that be sufficient?! ARHGHGH i just want to go to england for the summer, wtf us government, youre such a cockblock. 
-pero, life is still lovely. i am greatly enjoying life in isla vista. if only my bff were here. then everything would be perfect. a certain housemate of mine annoys me frequently. chale.
-i should not have bought doughnuts. im such a fatass its not even funny.
-im going to go put my fat ass to bed

p.s.

 this is obviously not the whole story. I could have just started at the chronological beginning of the night, talked about ying-yang and chris trying to make out with me after we grinded to daft punk in his bedroom and the hot guy with the girlfriend and how we first found out that jacob was passed out and waiting a few houses down from chris' when the ambulance showed up and zach being immature and getting the cab and so on and so forth. but i wanted to write this with an actual narrative, and in narrative you only put in the things that matter. and perhaps the things that matter differ from someone else's perspective. and perhaps this makes me sound shallow cause its mostly about her. but know that this isnt my entire feelings on the story. it just felt right to start at this place and stop at that place. it feels injust to add any more. also im still a little tipsy from giulia's birthday champagne and wrote this in about half an hour. its largely unedited. but it feels raw, feels good. im not turning this in for anything, not attempting to get it published. so, here goes:

She was the one who picked us up from the hospital at four in the morning. She answered the phone, voice cracking with sleepiness, while I whimpered how we needed a ride.

“You’re the only sober person I can think of right now.”

“Me too. It’s ok, I’ll come get you.”

There was no doubt in her voice. If only she was so sure of everything. As I waited for her to arrive, I curled up on the waiting room couch, drifting in and out of sleep and checking my phone every few minutes to read the reassurances from my friends.

She came, and Paulina, Gabby, and I piled into her car. The car jerked while she maneuvered the stick shift into motion.

“So they finally let us go, and we gave them our phone numbers so they’ll call us when he wakes up then I’ll drive us to go get him,” Paulina explained. I was drunk. I stared blankly at the lights and signs we passed.

My fingers curled into the tiny hairs on her arm. I sighed, slowly touching. She didn’t move away. Good. I needed this.

When we got home, Paulina and Gabby went in and I stood outside with her, talking for several minutes. I attempted to unclog everything from my too-drunk mind.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do around you, I’m anxious around you all the time, I don’t know what you want from me, I need to know…”

She liked me, but she was still dating Tyler too, she said. “I’m the most complicated person you’ll ever meet,” she said.

“It’ll be ok, Paige,” she also said.

She kissed me on the forehead, and hugged me for a long time. I felt infused with her undying sweetness, bleaching my heart.

Then I went inside, and crawled into bed with Gabby. The three of us lay in the dark, waiting. Waiting for the phone call which we knew could come any minute, the phone call saying we could come pick up Jacob and that he’d be ok and that this nightmare would be over. While we were waiting, I relayed what had just happened.

When I reached the kissing-on-the-forehead part, Paulina asked, giggling:

“Did she have to jump?”

p.s.

-the shins, "GIrl Inform Me"

in other news, school is the same as usual, spanish is quaint, chaucer is filled with perhaps-meaningful-perhaps-not? glances and comedy's  a bit of a drag, sadly enough. i really am diggin' memoirs, mostly because everyone really seemed to like my bella/alcohol story. 

letsss seee then last night i went out with jason in search of a party and we ended up at what used to be pendolaplex playing beer pong (and losing miserably i might add) and listening to nerdy-ass dudes talk about wow and 25-man raids. i drank far too much beer and listened to yet another person try to soothe my anxious thoughts about Bella. Jason insists that she really does like me etc etc i just need to give her time etc etc im just like UGHGHGHGHH why do i hear this from everyone BUT her?! she is ridiculously perplexing. at leasttt im on my way to going to england. i feel like ill find all the redemption in the world in england. perhaps not but it will give me something to do this summer.
fuck i need to find a halloween costume! 
i should stop taking on these people-projects of helping people discover their true sexuality. its occupying too many of my thoughts and it always ends up a fat-ass chewbacca of a crush. 
chris is having a party tonight. I cant believe I'm actually going since I almost died last time at his house, but I'm just crazy enough to do it. wish me luck mothafuckas, i need some right now...
p.s.

 -Paulina, one drunken night last year.

I made a series of very poor decisions last night. goddamn. i literally feel like someone shit in my brain.
i should never have:
1) left connor's house
2) went to chris' house
3) drank a shot of that 100-proof capt. morgan
4) smoked weed with chris.

i swear to god, i would have never done it ever ever ever ever I was so smashed and then Chris just threw the piece in my face. I dont remember what it looked like, I dont remember actually smoking it, I just remember coughing and the burning in my lungs.
I thought nothing would happen.
Nothing ever happens to me when I smoke weed.
I clearly was NOT doing it the right way before.
I quickly realized that I had just taken a FATASS HIT and held it in for once, 
and that I had NEVER really been high before.

and last night was a very very poor time to discover the experience of being actually high. because i was drunk as fuck and then i was high as fuck and I remember it all ran together all of a sudden when I was playing the piano at chris house. One minute I was plunkin' along and then all of the sudden like I had no idea what I was doing. I couldn't remember what I was playing or how to play it, I my fingers just sort of collided with keys and nothing made any sense.

I knewww I was fucked the fuck fuck up and i definitely was not enjoying it. After the piano thing I pretty much blacked out. I only have fragments of memories- I called Jason apparently, i called Connor too. I called everybody because i was so high so drunk and so scared and didnt know how to handle it. Jason came over at one point to take me home but I still feel like this was a dream because it just seemed so mothafuckin UNREAL. Somehow I moved to a chair and kept sleeping, and woke up only once to see paulina makin' out with her crush man, lol. 

I woke up at like 6 am and paulina and her crushman were still talking, and at that point i was less fucked up so we walked home. but even then i was still high or drunk or something between the two and soososososo confused. Then I collapsed into bed and sunk into the sleep of the damned, fitful and still so so so high even as the effects of the alcohol wore off. UGHHHH. never ever ever ever ever ever again, everrr. fuck. weed. it sucks. i should never have had that shot, I was plenty drunk on wine before I got there, and then obviously I should never have smoked weed but i dont even really remember doing it. worstttt. night. everrrrrrrrr.

at least some good came out of it though since paulina, taking care of my drunk ass, got to chat it up with her crushman and then make out with him. haha oh god i still might be a little bit high. i slept on the bathroom floor for like half an hour this morning. 

But i really was having a good night before all this went down. It started at Jacob's place at about 10 pm. i did a jagerbomb which was sososo delicious, and then me and paulina and alllll the boys sang "I kissed a girl" and "clumsy" by fergie and "paper planes" which was hysterical. so much fun. oh my worddd. then we went to connor's, and I sat and chatted (well, he went off on one of his connor-logues, and i listened) with connor about the whole bella-situation, and drank a fuckton of wine. but we ran out and paulina and i and chris wanted to drink more, so we left and went to chris' house and thats when everything went downhill. so dumb. so many bad ideas. i shoulda stayed at connors and just let him talk to me about social politics and sexuality and so on and so forth. oh man. going to go shower and hopefully get less high. I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO BE SOBER SO BAD IN MY LIIIIIIIFE 

this was totally like one of those traumatic situations where any weaker person would have turned to jesus or some shit by now. anyway now i needa shower and like, scrub all my insides and my brain and such.

p.s.

oh my god
oh my god
oh my god
oh my FUCKING god


her lips are so soft. SO soft.

my heart's all aflutter. i can't even...

i can't even believe.

this happened.

it HAPPENED.

her lips are so soft.

p.s. 

 i am so so so so so very dumb. i set my alarm for 7:30 am for whatever dumbfuck reason and i don't have class until 9:30 am. so i was supposed to wake up at 8:30. but I was so tired and braindead last night that for some reason 7:30 made sense. i didnt realize how much time i had til i was dressed and brushing my teeth. i guess i could have gone back to bed for an hour, but i was already awake and there was no reason in wasting the morning just for an extra hour that probably would have made me more tired in the long run.

i actually really enjoy mornings. i dont get to experience them enough, because my desire for sleep usually trumps my desire to experience the morning, unless i have early-morning mothafuckin class. so now i'm sitting here, wide awake, with my bagel and my airborne cocktail (no alcohol involved, i wish though- i wonder if itd be good with airborne) because my throat is starting to be sore and i dont want it to turn into an illness. go immune system, go! 

im so tired, etc, etc. i wish there were like 4 more hours to each day/evening to get shit done and still have time to dick around. also there are so many mothershit things wrong with our apartment that none of us have time/balls/motivation to go talk to the lady of the land about. like our mothershit toilet upstairs leaks. its ra-tarded. 

michael cuteface guaglakshdajksdh was talking to danni and was telling her about how up to age 16, he'd never really done anything. just sat around, ate, slept, did homework, didnt talk much. when she asked him, "what changed?" he replied, "well, i met paige." AWWW. isnt that adorable?! I feel so so so very accomplished knowing I could bring some fun/real experience into michael's life. srsly. it makes me so so happy. i can only strive to do the same for codename Mel (aforementioned crushgirl.) make her happy. i like changing people's lives for the better. and everyone says alcohol is so bad for you etc etc, but fuck that. alcohol changed my life for the better, and aside from losing a few brain cells here and there and forgetting some things, tis better to have lived and truly experienced than merely exist, eat sleep do homework go to bed. i miss michael, and all my desert people. i wish more than anything that i could have them here with me. experience everything with me. 

sighhhghghg. guess im on my own. oh wellll.

p.s.

things have been so weird since i got back.

sometimes i ponder making entries private so not everyone can read them, but i like to be open about my life so i dont, although the cost of privacy has to be ambiguity. id rather have the ambiguity.

everything is so strange about her. she baffles me entirely, what does she want from me? i obviously dont get along with her friends. why isnt she weirded out by my ex-crush on her? is it really dead? would i kiss her? well. yes. but would she kiss me?? I dont know. maybe she doesnt either. when we talked she only talked about it, but she also said she was confused. about boys and what she wanted from them. so does that mean shes curious about girls? maybe i am thinking about this WAY too much. i know i am, actually. but i cant help it. this seems too strange and out-of-the-blue. fuck. well, the same thing happened with annalice, kinda, and i just read too much into it because the only time we spend together was alone and not with anyone else. it kinda felt like a date to me, as much as i told myself it wasnt going to be. but does she think it was a date? what the shit. AHHHH.

^i started writing this a few days ago. Thursday, i think. and am now going to finish it.

god to buy more hours in the day. or preferably, the night. so i could have time to give this the detail it deserves. as it is all i can do is type up brief little anecdotes and thoughts, but i have so much work and writing and reading and sleeping and not-getting-sick to do, so here:

-Having a crush seems so silly and irrational when you think about it. yes i have a crush on her. why? there are billions of people in the world, and yet you only want to see one face, hear one voice. isnt that absurd? there's probably at least a thousand more attractive people at this school. but i dont care about them. just her. so absurd. shes SO so pretty. oh my.
-SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS BI SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS BI SHE IS BI
-but she mentioned nothing about having feelings for me, wompwomp
-i told her i still have feelings for her. she knows. i cant keep secrets. especially when im drunk. such a downfall. im overbearingly honest.
-i also told her i wanted to kiss her. she said she was still confused about things but..... but what? i cant remember what she said. what does that mean? someday we will? i wish i could remember. i wish i could remember the exact words she said so i dont overthink these things. as of now i feel like my imagination is filling in what memory should. skewing things my way. too much optimism.
-so much alcohol. i love alcohol. i love having my own party and being surrounded by so many people. it makes me so happy. i love getting everyone drunk, conducting. so nice. i live live live live for the weekends.
-chris and i ate shit while piggybacking on the way to some party, i have a tiny bruise. he scratched up his forehead. it was lulz. then we went into a bouncehouse somewhere on trigo. SO funny. then having booze-smoothies at some random fuck's house. delicious! 
-goddamn i talk about her to everyone i must be driving everyone nuts. whatev. and it doesnt help that they feed my ego, tell me she'd probably be down to make out. down down down down. everyone says shes down. but they arent her. how could they know? shes so reserved. so mysterious.
-school itself is alright. very busy. so much work. so many units. i might drop music.
Class rundown:

Chaucer: MW 9:30-10:50am seems like the standard ccs core class. so so so early, but SHE's in it, so i can stay awake. her friend keeps giving her glances. raising her eyebrows. smiling. what does that mean? does she know something? or is she making fun of her? like OOOH SOME GIRLS GOT A LEZZZY CRUSH ON YOU IN HURRR. fuck. her friends are so catty and annoying. she told me herself she wouldnt be able to come out to them. UGH. anyway. a good majority of the old ccs-pendola-lit crew is in this class. funny how im more interested than social politics than chaucer himself. whatev.

Comedy: MW 11:00am-12:15pm this class looks like so much fun, besides the bullshit Aristotle and Freud readings. i haaaaaaate Freud. she was in the class, but was crashing and didnt get in. The professor seems super cool, and her lectures keep my interest. shains in this class with me too. 

Spanish: MWTT 4-4:50pm. I like this class despite the fact that its every day of the week. I can totally understand the professor and it just makes me feel smart cause i was always good at spanish. its marginally creepy though because she had us describe another person in the class in spanish (to our groups) and some guy ran after me at the Ucen like "hey! youre in my spanish class! I DESCRIBED YOU TODAY!" aww, well. he tries. he doesnt know i dont do dick right now though. lol. cute.

Music Appreciation: MW11-11:50am probably going to drop it. the subject is super interesting, the amount of work is totally not that bad, but its too many units and the lectures are kinda boring and theres no social politics involved to keep me awake.

Memoirs: MW2:30-4pm I LOVE shirley, i love writing for this class, im so excited about it. havent read the first book yet, probably wont. no time. too much girl on the brain. but i love writing for the class. even though my group includes dyke-girl-who-doesnt-shave-her-armpits, some bitch who only talks about how she went abroad to japan for a year, and a guy who treats his parents divorce like the end of the world. fuckin lame.

ahsahahah i cant believe how i could get so distracted and behind already. crushes are silly. i hope we kiss. even just once. and id be satisfied. mostly because i want to show her that its ok, not just ok, fantastic and amazing to like girls, and because shes so pretty and i just want once just once i swear ill be done after just once to see what she feels like. fuck. but shes probably freaked out by me after last night. i know shes bi but that doesnt mean anything if she doesnt like ME. so selfish, but im so jealous and cant help it. ajshdaajskdhasdaaa. ive said it a thousand times and ill say it again but i wish i could read minds.

that or just be drunk all the time.

p.s.

 i had a dream that my best friend died last night. im really drunk and i cant stop thinking about this. im so stupid for being afraid but this is now officially a legit fear of mine.

also the first day of classes is tomorrow/ in 8 hours. oh god no i dont wanna go back. especially whilst so worked up and paranoid. 

AHHHH

p.s.

(mgmt's Time to Pretend. this and "kids" i have listened to repetitively all day, no thanks to my crazy-ass neighbors who were blasting it from their house all weekend)

 I have but a half an hour or so before I need to leave for work but I thought I'd update on my first week or so back in Isla Vista.

My last night in the desert was bittersweet, as is to be expected. I hung out with Hannah and then I thought Stephen and Michael were douchebags for a while cause they flaked out on me but we ended up hanging out anyway so it was all good in the end. Then Hannah helped me dye my hair while simultaneously removing a large piece of stick from my foot. Then I lied down and just reflected and dicked around, then talked to gabby on the phone for a while and ended up going to bed super late and felt ridiculously gross on the drive to SB. not to mention depressed because I had to leave all my great friends I had just spent 3 months bonding with. no bueno.

There's nothing much exciting to report from here. Aside from the mundane chores that go along with moving in (buying shit, putting shit together, organizing shit etc etc) I haven't done much save for lie around on facebook all day, work a little bit, and party when the sun goes down. Thus far i've had a party at my own house, went to a wine-and-cheese-philosophical-debate-party, played beer pong with a bunch of bros (and did epicly! Never before have I been high-fived/hugged/cheered by so many strange bros. it was beautiful. shanna would have approved.) and gotten drunk alone whilst eating dinner (usually ramen or some such nonsense) not to mention the copious amount of the "Syfy" channel i watched two days ago (they played the Crow AND Interview with the vampire. fuckin awesome)

it's not too bad, living in an apartment. you feel so free. yet nonetheless i always feel a dull ache that is my nonsensical yearning for the desert and all the people that reside (or once resided) there. but ill always see them again. 

you can always go home. right?

i dont know why this place makes me feel so lonely. or would anywhere but the desert always make me think about the desert? i dunno. i would feel doomed if i knew id live there forever, but i would love love love to go back perhaps when im old and have travelled the world and have found myself a wife/husband... living out my days on a huge piece of property in Morongo- riding horses and writing books all the time. itd be so so so so lovely. i adore morongo SO MUCH.

And then there's the whole Hannah  situation.... when i first got here i really really missed her and was quite distraught over her absence. after all, we did go from seeing each other every single day and practically being attached at the hip to being completely separated. i dont know what im going to do about our relationship. i dont know what the future holds for us. she worries about these things. she wants to move here next year. this terrifies me. i fear i would let her down,that it wouldnt work out. i have this nagging suspicion that it wouldnt last very long, her and i. i dont know why. well, i might know, but i dont wanna think about it. i kind of just want to let my feelings be and not try to force anything. dont think about the future, dont force things into compact plans because as ive found out, that doesnt work. making plans for a relationship is a terrible idea, because the more structured and perfect it seems, the more it hurts when the cracks break through and everything falls apart. i love having her to text all the time and i loved so many things about her when we were together, but i cant help but feel like i might be putting her through what ryan did to me, which nobody, EVER, deserves. fuuuuck. i dont know. i just hope the answer will reveal itself to me in time. im tired of looking for it.

bleghhh my whole class schedule thing is rather perplexing and annoying. i have to get a bunch of my work shifts covered so i can crash spanish. nobody wants my shifts. this is rather distressing. fuckmylifeee.

I saw Jennifer's Body the other day with gabby, jason, and paulina. it was so strange but really quite entertaining and megan fox's sexiness on the big screen is totally worth 6 dollars any day.

what else?? not much. like i said, a lot of mundane chores and shit. i just cant wait to get my class schedule all sorted out and shiyettt.  but i really do need to go back to class, im forgetting stupid-ass shit like the difference between lay and lie and i keep using the wrong "your,you're" etc. duerghghgh. i have so many creative thoughts bouncing around id love to write down. but whenever i really want to im always having to do something else (like now as im about to go work like a bitch) 

life is hard!

p.s.